Shattered Spirit, Conquered Soul
by Shanalaa
Summary: A late night talk in which Leo exlains to Don why he is not a good person puts Don on a quest to save his eldest brother not only from outside threats, but also from members or his own family. Slash! Sequel to Dark side of the Sun. Updated! Parts 3-5
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: TMNT are still not mine, dammit!

Warnings; This is Slash baby! Parings, Well, Everyone/Leo, but will become just Don/Leo. This is the Sequel to Dark side of the Sun. Really should read that first or this probably won't make sense.

Also posted on the Turtlecest Live Journal!

Shattered Spirit, Conquered Soul

Chapter 1: Two weeks before the events in Dark side of the Sun

"Connect the blue wire to the red wire…then the black to the green….gah!" Donatello jumped as his efforts were rewarded with an electrical shock. Cradling his hand to his chest, he frowned at the gadget he had been tinkering with and the mess of wires that seemed to be mocking his inability to connect them correctly.

"Think you can beat me, huh?" he muttered. "Well, think again. You've just made a powerful enemy, my friend. Just wait till I'm through with you."

Picking up a tool, he moved to attack the offending gizmo, pausing as a sound reached his ears. He sat still and listened, quickly identifying the sound as the punching bag in the Dojo. Looking at the clock, his eyes widened. _Three-thirty in the morning! Was it really that late?_

'_Wonder why Raph is up at this time of night,'_ he thought, his gaze returning to his project. He sighed, knowing he had to quit for the night and go to bed. Master Splinter would not be pleased if he wasn't fully alert for morning practice. Neither would Leo for that matter. Giving the wires one last, longing glare, Donny turned off the light and left his lab.

As he was passing the Dojo on his way to his room, he glanced in, expecting to see Raphael making all the noise. He stopped in surprise when he found it was not his ill tempered brother, but Leonardo attempting to gut a bag with his bare fists.

As Leo had not yet noticed his audience, Donny observed him silently. He was surprised by the level of aggression Leo was displaying. Usually, his eldest brother was the very picture of calm serenity, even when training. Well… when he wasn't fighting with Raphael anyway. He usually didn't work with the bag, which was more Raph's style when trying to work out aggression. Most of the time, Leo attacked invisible enemies or meditated or something….

He wondered what had Leo so worked up and almost called out to him when Leo suddenly stopped his furious pounding. Gripping the bag, he rested his forehead against it. Such an intense expression of sorrow crossed his face, that Donny took an alarmed step forward.

"Leo?"

The elder turtle jumped and looked up, startled, which caused Donny to frown in concern and take another step forward. "Leo? You okay?"

Leo's face quickly shifted to his normal, neutral, if not tired, expression. Turning away, he murmured, "I'm fine, Donny. Go back to bed, sorry I woke you."

"You didn't," Don replied. "I was in my lab and suddenly realized the time after I heard someone in here. I was actually expecting Raph." He paused, then asked, "So, what's up?"

With his gaze focused on the bag, his fingers lightly touching it, Leo answered, "Nothing. Couldn't sleep is all."

Donny raised an eye ridge as he leaned against the wall, arms folded. "Right. You **always** beat the stuffing out of the bag when you can't sleep."

Leo shot him an annoyed look which only fueled Don's sense of curiosity and concern. "What does it matter, Don? Go to bed. Practice is in a few hours and you know how Master Splinter gets when we're not alert."

Donny shook his head. He wasn't going to be run off that easily. "Playing the Master Splinter card might have worked if I had come in earlier or later and hadn't seen that look on your face."

"What look?" Leo asked, the annoyance creeping into his voice.

"Sorrow," Donny answered solemnly. "Like you had just lost something you loved very deeply or something." He pushed away from the wall and moved to his brother's side, putting a hand on Leo's arm and taking note of how the other tensed at the contact.

"Talk to me, Leo. What's going on? And don't say 'nothing.' I'm not blind."

When Leo didn't answer, Don sighed and decided to try a 'Mikey.' Putting on his best, worried younger brother look, he pleaded in a soft, almost wounded tone, "Please Leo. I worry about you. The way you keep everything bottled up, you're either going to have a heart attack or a major break down. Please…"

From the look that crossed Leo's face, Donny knew he had won. Some battles were best fought with words, after all. He kept his elation to himself and patiently waited for his brother to speak.

"It's not as bad as you think it is, Don," Leo finally said with a sigh. "Just…bad dreams."

When he went no further, Don raised an eye ridge and said, "Well? What were they about?" He knew perfectly well it had to be a lot more than bad dreams. That look that had been on Leo's face had said it all. It was much deeper than dreams.

Leo gazed blankly at a spot on the floor and when he finally answered, he sounded a million miles away. "About the past….the present. Reminding me that I'm not a good person….reminding me of my penance."

Don blinked, Leo's words having caught him completely by surprise. "What?" he asked and Leo looked up, startled, as if he had forgotten Donny was there. "Huh?"

"Leo…you're not a bad person. What are you talking about?"

A little smile that almost seemed patronizing slipped passed Leo's lips. "No, Donny. I'm **not** a good person." He patted Don's arm and started to move past him as he added, "But that's not something you need to worry about. Goodnight, Don."

Donny blinked again, turning quickly with an exclamation of, "Hey!" He reached out and snatched his brother's arm, spinning him back. "Hold on just a minute here, Leo! You can't just tell me that you're a bad person like you're telling me the time and then just walk away!"

Seeing the brush off coming, Donny grabbed Leo's wrist almost painfully tight and pulled his brother from the Dojo and back down the hall to his lab, ignoring Leo's protests. Once in his lab, he released Leo, closing and locking the door.

Spinning around, keeping himself between Leo and the door, he said, "You're not leaving this room until you talk to me, Leo! What's this nonsense about not being a good person?" He paused, then added warningly, "Don't make me hogtie you."

Leo stared at Donny in mild surprise before giving him a stern look. "Don't play games, Donny. I'm going to bed and you should too."

He started to move, but Donny wasn't going to be denied. It was time that Leo stopped drowning himself and took a helping hand. Making himself look as though he was stepping aside to let Leo pass, Donny waited until the perfect moment before grabbing Leo's arm and twisting. He pressed a nerve on the back of Leo's neck, causing the other to gasp and fall to his knees.

"Last warning, Leo," he said quietly. "Don't think I won't do it. Your bandana will suit the purpose perfectly, you know."

Leo tried to fight, growling, "Donny…." before he stopped and seemed to surrender. "All right," he breathed. "Fine."

Donny released him and Leo stood, turning away. Donny watched him carefully, just in case Leo decided to bolt or something. After a couple of minutes, though, Leo said quietly, "Do you know why I meditate and train so much, Don?"

The question caught Donny off guard, but Leo didn't seem to be expecting an answer as he continued. "It's not because I'm trying to be the perfect son…the perfect leader." He turned and Donny felt a chill slip down his spine as they looked at each other. There was something in his brother's eyes….

"It's to control my dark side," the elder murmured, a haunted note in his voice. "To keep it quiet." He looked like he was going to say more, but instead went quiet, his eyes far away as he watched something that only he could see.

Confused, Donny said, "Leo, I don't understand. You're talking and acting like someone who's done terrible things. Like someone who's never truly known peace. But that can't be right. I've never seen you do **anything** that would make you a bad person."

Leo laughed softly, humorously. "You're not with me twenty-four seven, Donatello. You don't really know me. You don't know what I've done, none of you do."

"Then tell me!" Donny replied in exasperation. "Whatever it is, it can't be that bad. I mean, come **on, **this is **you** we're talking about! The turtle who has more honor than most **humans!"**

"I've betrayed you all," Leo stated in a hallow tone. "Numerous time."

Donny shot him a disbelieving look. "You've betrayed us," he repeated, folding his arms. "How? When?"

Leo opened his mouth, then closed it again and gave his brother a strangely fearful, desperate look. "Nothing leaves this room, right? It's just between us?"

Donny nodded, watching Leo carefully. "Of course. You have my word, Leo."

Leo closed his eyes and swallowed. When a full minute passed and he didn't say anything, Donny reached out and put a comforting, supportive hand on his brother's shoulder. He frowned when Leo, once again, tensed at the touch.

"Come on, Leo," he murmured gently, guiding the other to a chair. "Let's sit down." He grabbed another chair and said, giving his brother a calming look. "It's okay, Leo. It's just me."

Leo didn't seem to be too reassured by that statement and Donny wasn't sure whether or not he should hurt by that. Did Leo really think so little of them…of **him,** that he had to fear talking to them?

It was another moment before Leo began speaking quietly. "Do you remember when we first met the Shredder? How he managed to fool me so easily…so smoothly?"

Donny nodded, a funny feeling taking route in the pit of his stomach. There was a note in Leo's voice that he didn't like….something foreign…something he couldn't identify.

"Despite what Master Splinter told us," Leo continued, "Despite that first battle with him and knowing he was evil…I had many…encounters with him."

"Encounters?" Donny questioned, his voice barely a whisper.

Leo didn't appear to have heard him. His eyes were far away, trapped in the past. "He was…obsessed with me. And…and I with him, though I hated him…feared him. I didn't know my dark side until he introduced me…taught me things…showed me what darkness was."

He closed his eyes, a soft whimper escaping him. "So seductive, Donny," he breathed, self-hatred and sorrow in his voice. "So seductive and thrilling and…and absolutely terrifying."

A soft, chilly laughed slipped from his lips. "You all thought Raph was dark…he had no idea. None of you did. He was just an angry child who hadn't even come close to tapping into the true darkness of his soul." A half laugh half sob escaped his lips. "He's much better at it now…."

Before Donny could ask what that meant, Leo continued. "I was so relieved when we thought Splinter had killed Shredder. I was free of his influence…able to close the door he had opened and silence the whispers…the desires. For a while anyway."

He stopped and silence descended. Donny was completely staggered by Leo's story, but apparently, his brother wasn't finished yet.

"The night he came back," Leo began again, "he told me that he had spent his time in hiding thinking of nothing but me. Of how alike we were…kindred spirits…soul-mates even. It made me sick and excited at the same time despite the beating I had suffered at the hands of his Elite."

A bitter laugh escaped him. "He was actually disappointed that I had… 'allowed' his Elite to get that far with me. He actually **reprimanded** me for allowing my dark side to be locked away. For not…doing what I was born to do. He wanted me to go with him. Said it was time to stop playing games and for me to devote myself to him completely."

Leo closed his eyes against the tears that had begun to fill them. "I nearly said yes, Donny," he whispered. "The freedom he offered…but I couldn't. I denied him and he nearly killed me. Nearly killed all of you."

Tears were flowing freely down his cheeks down and his voice was filled with torment and self-loathing as he added, "All because I let him seduce me in the first place. Because I **liked** what he made me feel."

Donny, deeply shaken by what Leo had told him, felt renewed anger and hatred toward the Shredder. Even in exile, the bastard still managed to inflict pain upon Don's family.

"Leo," he whispered, leaning forward and gripping his brother's hand. "Leo, you aren't a bad person. You were only fifteen when you met him. Just a kid with very little experience with humans…or Utroms as it turned out. The point is, he was a master manipulator and he took advantage of something he saw in you. That's how darkness operates and the fact that you never fully gave in means that you **are** good. Look at all the people we've helped…all the good things we've done with **you** as our leader. If you weren't good, then we would have lost you to the Shredder a long time ago. We wouldn't be sitting here, having this conversation."

Leo suddenly came to his feet, startling Donny. He watched his brother move away, wiping at his eyes and shaking his head in agitation. "Stop telling me I'm good, Donny!" he hissed. "If I were good, I wouldn't have let him do that to me. I wouldn't have done all the things I did and later, I wouldn't have let my dark side overtake me to the point of hurting Master Splinter! If I were good, my own **brother** wouldn't be…"

He stopped and Donny felt that chill run down his spine again. _What had Leo been about to reveal before catching himself? _

"Leo?" he questioned softly, slowly standing, afraid of spooking his brother. "Leo, what's going on? What wouldn't your brother be doing? Which of us are you talking about?"

Leo, however, shook his head and Donny watched Leo's face close up, knowing it was over, much to his frustration. He'd get nothing more out of his brother. Not tonight at least.

"I'm done, Don," Leo murmured, proving Don correct. "I've answered your question, now I'm leaving."

He moved for the door and Donny quickly moved in front of him. "Leo, wait!"

Leo made a threatening noise, but Donny stood his ground. "Leo, listen to me. You have some deep, psychological issues that **need** to be worked out. I'm afraid of what might happen if you don't." He hesitated a few seconds, then added, "I think you should talk to father."

Leo's eyes widened at the suggestion and he grabbed Donny's arm so tight that Donny winced in pain. "No! Donny, you promised that nothing said would leave this room!"

Donatello worked his way out of Leo's grip and said, "And I intend to honor that, but Leo, you can't go on like this. Your mind can only take so much before it snaps. Please Leo…"

Leo closed his eyes and turned his head away and Donny silently cursed him for his stubborn nature. After a moment, Donny sighed in defeat and said, "All right, look, promise me something?"

He waited until Leo was looking at him again before saying, "If you won't talk to father, then promise you'll talk to me. When you have nights like tonight, I don't care what time it is, come see me. We don't even have to talk. We can just sit together….meditate or something." He looked at Leo intensely. "Please?"

They stared at each other for a moment and Donny feared that Leo would deny him when his brother finally sighed and nodded. "All right," the elder breathed. "I promise."

Donny relaxed, confident in the knowledge that Leo would keep his word. On a sudden impulse, he pulled Leo into a tight hug. "I love you, bro," he whispered, feeling strangely elated when Leo hugged him back. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Leo murmured back, a note of comfort in his voice that Donny found bizarre, given the situation. "Yeah, I know, Don. I love you, too."

He pulled away, giving Don's arm and gentle squeeze before moving around him and leaving the room.

Alone, Donny moved over to his chair and sank down into it, resting his head in his hands. Leo had truly thrown him for a loop. He hadn't realized just how tormented his eldest brother was. None of them had. He was very good at hiding….too good perhaps. Donny wondered just how far Leo's… 'relationship' with the Shredder had gone and felt a shiver of fear work its way through him. Somehow, he needed to convince his brother to talk to Splinter, convince him that he needed help before some kind of disaster struck.

Something else that worried him was the slip Leo had made in regards to one of them doing something. 'If I were good, my own brother wouldn't be…' _Wouldn't be what?_ Donny couldn't fathom the idea that one of them was intentionally hurting their eldest brother. _So what could it be? Could one of them be involved in something that Leo couldn't stop?_

Donny sighed, wanting very much to talk to Splinter. However, he didn't know how to without betraying Leo's trust. But then, if Leo's mental stability was at risk, wouldn't it be worth the betrayal? _Yes, it would._ Donny would rather have his eldest brother hate him forever than watch him destroy himself. No, he would wait. Give Leo a chance to see reason before he betrayed him.

Rubbing his eyes wearily, Donny considered the root cause for his brother's despair. "Damn you, Shredder," he muttered. "Will you **never** leave us in peace?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

**Four months following the events in Dark Side of the Sun **

Leo lay quietly in his bed gazing impassively at his bed mate, who clung to him possessively.

Michelangelo.

His youngest brother sometimes spent the night after bedding Leo down. Unlike Raphael, who simply took what he wanted and then left, Mikey could get away with it. It wasn't uncommon, after all, for the 'baby' of the family to occasionally bunk with one of his brothers. It was a habit left over from childhood, making it in no way suspicious if and when he was seen leaving Leo's room in the morning.

It had been going on for four months now. Four months since Mikey had given in to the same desires that had take Raph a good three months earlier than that. It seemed like years. Years of sinful, forced copulation all because of that secret spot in the hallow of his neck that would make his body betray him. That would make him give in to the wickedness of his brothers' desires.

Sometimes, when Mikey spent the night, he would awaken in the wee hours of the morning and begin kissing and touching Leo, working them both into a state of arousal before mounting his elder brother and taking him so gently, so playfully, that it just made the whole situation worse. It made him feel dirtier and actually wish it was the normal hard and forceful way.

Then again, it didn't matter how he felt. Whatever happened to him, and **however **it happened was well deserved. Penance for his sins…punishment for how he betrayed them all those times. For wishing, even now, that the Shredder was still within reach. For desiring the feelings that terrible beast could ignite with just a touch….just a whisper.

He closed his eyes, shuddering as he suddenly began wondering if Karai was just as seductive as her father. If he went to her, would she….

No! No, he would **not **go to her and allow her to arouse the darkness he worked so hard to keep contained and quiet. He would not betray his family again. He'd kill himself first!

Needing to get out of his room, Leo carefully untangled himself from Mikey's arms and silently left, planning to go to the Dojo to meditate. But, instead of the Dojo, his feet carried him down the way to Donny's room. Without hesitation, he opened the door and slipped inside, sitting down in a corner that somehow had managed to stay free of electronic gizmos, and watched his brother sleep.

He often ended up in Donny's room on nights like this. Ever since that night four months ago, when Don had made him promise to come to him. At that point, it had only been Raphael having his way with him. A couple of weeks later, Mikey had joined in the game, though Leo had been aware that his youngest brother was falling to the same darkness for a while before it had actually happened.

Sometimes, he just watched Donny sleep, slipping out well before the younger turtle woke up. Other times, Don would wake and they would talk or, more often than not, they would sit in silence as Don had promised they could.

Leo knew that his brother would have preferred that they talk and tended to try and nudge Leo into it, but the elder had found that just sitting with Donny in silence was enough to hush the whispers and still the darkness. He wondered why that was. What was it about his genius brother that calmed him so? It was as if Don had a natural ability to silence the voice of darkness and return it to sleep with a simple, comforting touch or word. A direct opposite of the Shredder. And yet…

Leo knew it couldn't last, as desperately as he wanted it to. Don was the last of his brothers, the only one not actively involved in punishing Leo for his sins. Ironic really, considering Don was the only one who knew Leo had betrayed them. A quiet laugh escaped him and, if anyone had heard it, they could not have missed the note in his tone that warned of how dangerously close to the edge he was…

Donny stirred and Leo froze, watching him anxiously. His brother was normally a heavy sleeper and Mikey often claimed that their brainy brother could sleep through the fiercest of hurricanes. Leo knew, though, that Donny only slept heavily when there was no danger. It was like he had a subconscious awareness of when it was safe and when he needed to be awake.

As luck would have it, that subconscious seemed to be telling him that he needed to be awake, as his eyes drifted open and his gaze managed to find Leo's even in the darkness of the room.

"Leo?" he questioned softly. "You okay?"

Leo quickly schooled himself and nodded, offering a rather lame smile. "Yeah," he answered just as softly. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Donny looked at him for a few seconds before rising from his bed and silently crossing the room, sitting down next to him. "You sure?" he asked, giving Leo a searching look.

Leo avoided his gaze, staring at a spot on the floor as he thought over how many times Donny had asked him that question. How many nights over the last few months had Leo ended up in this room, seeking comfort and some semblance of peace he didn't even deserve? He snorted as a memory emerged from the recesses of his mind, reminding him of why he was even still in the presence of the living.

"Leo?"

He could hear the frown in Don's voice as the younger turtle asked, "What's so funny?"

Leo finally looked at Donny, eyes filled with sadness. "I was just remembering something that happened a couple of years ago. It was after the second time we 'killed' Shredder. Father had gone off on one of his meditation retreats and you, Raph and Mikey had gone topside for some fun. I had stayed behind, claiming I wanted to some time to myself."

He paused in his story, suddenly uncertain. The hesitation passed a few seconds later as he decided that Donny needed, and deserved, to hear it.

"I had been in a pretty bad state of mind for some time at that point and that night…that night I had planned to commit Seppuku. I had written everyone letters explaining everything I had done and where to find my body. I left them on my bed and was just about to leave when you three came home. You had been injured. Three shuriken to your right leg, do you remember?"

Donny nodded. "Yeah," he answered softly, a slight tremor in his voice. "You stitched me up, reprimanding me the whole time, and when I was able to, you put me through a brutal training course."

Leo nodded, eyes distant as he relived the memory. "You saved my life that night, Don," he whispered.

"I did? How?" Donny asked, a note of surprise in his voice.

"Seeing Raph and Mikey carry you in, your leg drenched in blood shook something up inside me. Something that had been buried….lost in my depression. I realized that I couldn't leave you guys. That I had to stay and be there…to protect you…guide you."

Leo looked at Don, eyes deadly serious. "If you three had come in just a moment later, we would have missed each other and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

Donny reached over, taking Leo's hand and squeezing. "Then I'm really glad I took those shuriken, Leo." He paused, then started in an almost hesitant voice, "Listen, Leo…"

"No, Don," Leo interrupted, knowing full well what his brother was going to say. "Not tonight. Please." He looked at his brother with tired, pleading eyes. "Just…just sit with me a while. Please?"

Donny looked like he wanted to argue, but in the end, sighed and nodded. Leo smiled, haunted and sad as he closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall.

Later, when he went back to his room and slipped back into his bed, his mind imagined he was still sitting with Donny as Mikey's arms snaked around him, pulling him close. As his youngest brother's lips found his neck, Leo's eyes closed and his mind stayed with Donny for the remainder of the night.

"Ha! Hi-ya!" Raphael easily blocked a blow and returned it with a fierce kick, sending his opponent flying. He smirked and glanced around, looking for his next victim. "Come on, you second-rate Ninjas!" he taunted. "Aren't any of you bozos gonna put up **some **kind of a challenge?"

Leonardo glanced over at his brother from where he fought his own opponent and sighed inwardly. Raphael had been restless all day and Leo had hoped this little trip the surface, and the subsequent run in with the Foot, would help settle the temperamental turtle down. It was starting, however, to look like they would need to find a few more fights to accomplish that task. Really now, he had thought he could count of the Foot for **something! **

Irritated, he turned his full attention back on the solider he was fighting, finishing him quickly and then turned to check on his remaining brothers. Both had gone through a multitude of enemies and seemed to be enjoying themselves, having caught on that the Foot were not at their best this night.

"Dude!" Mikey commented as he knocked two heads together, "Karai must not be as harsh a task master as her father! These dudes are really pathetic tonight!"

"Don't get cocky!" Leo called. "Just cause they're not themselves doesn't mean they're not a threat!"

As if to prove Leo correct, a solider wielding a sword made a sudden appearance, drawing him into a fight that swiftly grew vicious. The solider was excellent and Leo found himself in a thrilling challenge. It was a fight like he hadn't had in ages and, he had to admit, it felt sort of good.

The world faded. It was just the two of them, engaged in a warrior's dance, their swords clashing and ringing out in the night. It was beauty beyond compare that stirred something within him. Something in his heart…his soul was crying out in joy, urging him on, whispering for him to call upon his more deadlier skills….

He didn't know how much time had passed before awareness of the outside world began creeping back. Sirens in the distance penetrated his hearing. The police would be there soon, drawn by the strange disturbance sighted on the rooftops. He needed to end this fight and vanish with his brothers. He parried a blow, feinted left, moved right and struck. His opponent's sword went flying from his grasp and Leo quickly swept the soldier's feet out from under him. The human landed hard on his back and Leo held his sword at his throat to prevent him from moving.

"You fought well," he said. "You have fantastic skill and really shouldn't be wasting it with slime like the Foot."

"Hey bros!" Mikey called out. "We'd better split! The party poopers will be here any minute now!"

Leo backed away from his beaten opponent and gave a small bow. The solider nodded back and Leo turned to join his brothers, sheathing his sword. He hadn't taken more than three steps, however, when Mikey shouted, "Leo! Watch out!"

The urgency and fright in his brother's voice caused Leo to draw his sword and spin around in one fluid motion, just in time to block a strike from a second sword-wielding Foot soldier. The enemy ninja's blows were fast and fierce, but also erratic, suggesting an injury somewhere, along with anger. Leo easily relieved him of one of his swords, the excitement and instincts that had been awakened earlier now surging to the surface and breaking through the barriers.

It was over in less than a minute.

Leo's sword sank into his second opponent like he was nothing more than soft butter. Time slowed. Leo heard the shocked intake of breath and knew the other's eyes had widened beneath his mask. The remaining sword slipped from rigid fingers as a smile played across Leo's lips, clattering to the ground. Leo pushed a little more, listening to the hitch in breath before he pulled back, removing his sword from its unnatural sheath and watching the ninja crumple to the ground.

Then time returned to normal and the other swordsman was there, kneeling next to his fallen comrade, ripping his mask off. The smile that been playing on Leo's lips vanished and his heart jumped to his throat in an attempt to escape. The excitement and instincts that had been racing through him slowed as he stared into a pair of vivid green eyes that were rapidly losing the light of life. Eyes that were young….too young…

_God, he's just a kid! _No older than Leo himself….

"Stupid fool," the first swordsman breathed as they watched the light leave the kid's eyes and his body go completely still.

"Leo!" Raph was suddenly there, gripping Leo's arm and pulling him. "Leo, come on! We gotta go!"

Leo blinked and shook himself, pulling his arm out of Raph's grip as he turned and followed his brothers swiftly off the roof, into an alley and down into the safety of the sewers.

"Well, that was fun," Mikey declared as they stood beneath ground. "Where do you wanna go now, bros?"

"Home," Leo murmured from where he stood, staring at the blood coating his sword. "I…I need to clean my sword."

"Leo?" Donny asked, moving forward and touching his arm. "You okay?"

Leo looked up at Don, quickly reigning in his emotions. There would be time for that later. At his secret place. He nodded shortly, sheathing his sword. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go."

He turned and began walking in the direction of home, not checking to see if his brothers were following him. When they arrived, he immediately disappeared into the Dojo, getting the cleaning supplies and sitting down, almost viciously cleaning the now sticky blood from his beloved weapons, refusing to acknowledge the memories that were trying to surface…ignoring the whispers that were trying to remind him of how he felt when his sword had sank into that kid's chest….

"Hey, Leo," Raph's voice broke through the whispers in his mind and the silence of the room and it was everything he could do not to jump. He looked up, not pausing in his near frantic cleaning to find his brother leaning in the doorway, watching him.

"Yes?"

"Splinter wants to see you when you're through here."

Leo nodded and turned his gaze back to his work. He hoped that whatever Splinter wished to speak about was quick, for he had something important he needed to do before the night was over. The kid's lifeless eyes filled his mind and he paused, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to force the image away.

"Hey, Leo?"

His eyes flew open and he looked up, surprised to find Raph still there. "What?"

"What's up with you?" Raph asked, moving further into the room, a mixture of curiosity and concern in his voice. It nearly caused Leo to laugh out loud, his mind switching to images of Raphael, cold and unconcerned about how Leo felt as he lay on top of him, thrusting in and out of Leo's body…biting and sucking that spot on his neck…

He blinked, refocusing his attention on Raph as he continued. "You've been acting weird since that fight." He stopped in front of Leo, tilting his head a bit as he studied his elder brother. "You aren't shaken up by that kill you made, are you?"

Leo looked away, back to his swords and Raph made a noise of disbelief. "Aw, come on, Leo! It ain't like you've never killed before! And it was just a lousy Foot Solider anyway! Ya did the world a favor taking him out."

"He was just a kid, Raph," Leo muttered. "No older than us."

"Yeah? So? It was **his **choice to be there, Leo. **His **choice to attack you and risk getting killed."

A sudden anger surged through Leo and he came to his feet, hissing, "What do you know, Raph? How do you know he had a choice? How do you know the Foot aren't like any other common street gang filled with kids with no choices? Kids who have no way out, except in death?"

Leo's voice had been steadily rising as he spoke, catching the attention of his remaining brothers, who now stood in the doorway, looking to see what their eldest brothers were fighting about now.

He paid them no mind, glaring at Raphael as he snarled, "But what do **you **care? You're not **happy **unless you've killed a few people! Judge, jury and executioner, right?"

Raph's eyes flashed in a mixture of shock and indignation. "Now, wait just a damn minute, Leo! You know damn well I don't kill unless I need to!"

"Leo…" Don began, stopping as Leo threw him an icy glare and snapped, "Stay out of this Donatello!"

Leo turned back to Raph, semi-aware of how irrational he was being, but unable to stay his anger…his self-hatred. Too much had been happening in the past several months and the build up was now seeking a way out.

"Tell me, Raphael," he sneered. "Is your blood lust confined to 'lousy' Foot soldiers and street punks? Or are you an equal-opportunity murderer?"

Raph's eyes had been steadily filling with rage and Leo slipped into a ready stance in preparation for the fight he had been leading Raph into. A fight he knew would be punishing as Raphael was angry enough not to hold back. Punishment Leo deserved….

But, before Raph could attack, Splinter's voice rang out sharply, "Leonardo! Raphael! Enough!"

They turned to see the elderly rat standing in between Don and Mikey, a stern look on his face that warned them all not to trifle with him. "Leonardo! Come!" he commanded, turning and leaving, knowing Leo would follow.

Giving Raphael one last, cold look, Leo stalked out of the Dojo, following Splinter into his room and shutting the door behind them. Knowing the drill, Leo knelt across from his master and father, head bowed, silent.

After a few long moments of silence, Splinter finally spoke softly, "For many months now, my son, something has troubled you. Will you not tell me the source?"

'_Oh sure,' _Leo thought. _'I'm sure you'll love to hear all about how I betrayed you.' _

Out loud, he whispered, "There is no source, father, for there is nothing wrong."

"The fact that you so blatantly lie to me right now says differently, Leonardo," Splinter shot back. "That and your unfair and cruel words to Raphael."

Leo flinched, closing his eyes and lowering his head a little more. He had known it had been an unfair attack on Raphael even as he was committing the act. He knew that his brother only killed when absolutely necessary, as Splinter had raised them to.

'_Unlike you,' _that hated voice whispered. _'Raphael has never strayed from father's teachings…' _

Leo gritted his teeth and tried to push the voice away. "I'm sorry about that, father," he said, his voice still a whisper. "I didn't mean it. Killing that kid tonight just…just shook me up more than normal."

"It is more than that, my son. I sense great torment in you, far worse tonight than it has been." Splinter paused, then added, "We have been down this road before, my son. I had hoped that experience had taught you not to keep so much hidden."

He reached out, lightly caressing Leo's cheek before moving his hand under Leo's chin and gently tilting his head up. "Why do you insist on shouldering such terrible weight on your own? You have a family Leonardo! A family that is more than willing to share whatever burden you carry! Please…let us in, my son."

It was all Leo would do to keep from breaking at his father's words. Oh, how he wished he could reveal his sins-not just in concern to the Shredder, but in regards to his brothers as well-and believe that everything would be okay! But he couldn't. It would not be okay. His secrets and sins would destroy the family…

He closed his eyes, unable to continue looking into the worried, compassionate eyes of his father. He had to get out of there…had to get to his secret place and get himself under control.

"F…father... May I be dismissed? I…I have something very important that I need to do."

He heard a heavy sigh escape Splinter, the withered, yet strong hand leaving his chin, allowing Leo to bow his head once more. "Would this 'important' task involve apologizing to Raphael?"

Leo wince again and nodded. "Yes, father. It…it's on my list."

There was a few seconds of silence and then Splinter said, "You may go. But I wish for you to consider something. I love you and your brothers very deeply, my son. And when you are hurting, **I **am hurting as well.

Leo looked up, the pain his heart deepening. _'Tell him,' _a voice that sounded suspiciously like Donny whispered. _'He's your __**father! **__Tell him…'_

The voice that represented his darkness snickered at the other's words. _'Oh by all means, go ahead and tell him. Destroying the family will probably be fun anyway. And you know who you could go to afterwards. I'll bet __**she **__could provide just as much fun as her father could.' _

_No!_

Leo surged to his feet, not noticing the startled look on Splinter's face as he hurried from the room and to his own room. Kneeling down, he pulled a small duffle bag out from under his bed, checked the contents, then left his room. He headed into the sewers, oblivious to the worried eyes that followed him and moved swiftly through the tunnels, desperate to put some distance between himself and the Lair.

It was a good ten minutes before he finally stopped, leaning against a wall and closing his eyes wearily. _Dammit!_ He shouldn't have lost it with Raphael. He should have headed straight out again when they got back, and cleaned his swords later. It was just… seeing that kid's eyes had thrown him. Had brought back memories he didn't want to revisit. Had excited the darkness and the hatred…

The awareness that he wasn't alone penetrated his thoughts. With his eyes still closed, he sensed that the presence was non-threatening and sighed. "I know you're there. Come out."

He opened his eyes and watched Donatello step from the shadows. "What are you doing here, Don?" he asked, his voice expressing the same weariness as his eyes.

Donny shrugged, trying to be non-committal. "I was worried. The way you ran out of the Lair…"

Leo looked away. "I'm fine, Don. I just need some time to get my head together. Go home."

"Actually, Leo," Don replied hesitantly. "I was also curious about something."

Still without looking at him, Leo asked, "What about?"

"Well, I've noticed that whenever we come home from a fight where you've been forced to kill someone, you grab that bag and disappear for a while. I'm just wondering where it is you go. What do you do?"

Leo looked back at his brother, a little surprised by the question. He hadn't thought that anyone had noticed his little habit. Donny's eyes were full of that innocent curiosity that Leo had never been able to resist when turned on him.

'_Let him come,' _one of the voices, the good one, whispered. _'Let him come. Let him help you still the darkness like he does at night.' _

"You really want to know?" he asked out loud.

Donny nodded eagerly and Leo pushed away from the wall, giving his brother a serious look. "Swear to secrecy?"

The barest hint of uncertainty passed through Don's eyes, but he nodded and said, "Yeah, of course. I won't say a word."

Leo turned and continued down the tunnel he had been traveling. "Then follow me."


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3**

Leo led his brother into an area of the sewers that Don wasn't entirely familiar with. The route was long, winding and purposely confusing, considering they were going to Leo's **secret **place. Finally, after nearly twenty minutes, Leo led Donny into a room that was just a shade smaller than their rooms back at the Lair. Leo had added shelves all around the room, and on those shelves sat dozens of black candles, all burnt down to nearly nothing.

"Leo," Donny breathed as he looked around. "What is this place?"

Leo had moved to the back of the room where a small alter had been set up, and knelt down before it. From the bag, he took out a brand-new black candle and some matches.

"This is where I came to honor and mourn those who have fallen to my swords," he whispered as Don moved forward and knelt down next to him. Leo placed the candle gently on the alter, lit it, then closed his eyes and entered into his ritual, forgetting Donny was even there.

"Honored warrior," he whispered, speaking in Japanese. "Forgive me for taking that which was not mine to take. I pray that you are now somewhere safe, free of pain and fear and will accept any penance you feel appropriate to send me for taking you from any loved ones. Be at peace."

The prayer finished, Leo moved into a meditative state to work on quieting the tormenting whispers and desires that had been stirred up. The results of the battle and the resulting kill. Awareness of Donny's presence returned to him, and he latched onto whatever it was that his brother emitted that calmed him so, using it to silence that maddening voice that so yearned to take control.

Finally, when he had regained sufficient control again, he opened his eyes and gazed solemnly at the burning candle.

"Wow, Leo," Don whispered, putting a hand on his brother's arm. "I never knew you did this."

"Nobody does," Leo answered. "Though I think father might suspect. It's the only way I can live with myself after taking someone's life from them. Even if it was in self defense."

Don pointed to a white candle, in the same condition as the others, sitting in what seemed to be a place of honor on a second level of the alter. "Why is that one different from the others?"

Leo's eyes flickered up to the white candle. "Father trained us to kill if necessary," he replied, sadness in his voice. "That candle represents my first. It was a kill that I was guided to by the Shredder."

"Shredder?" Donny breathed. "What do you mean? How….?"

Leo closed his eyes, sighing heavily. "He was a Foot Solider who had displeased Shredder somehow. At the time, I had been…seeing Shredder for a few weeks. Sparing with him…listening to him. One night, he had me fight this solider all the while keeping up a running commentary on the side. Encouraging me to listen to my darker instincts….to embrace them and do what they said."

A shiver worked its way through Leo's body. "I remember feeling so…powerful as I did as he said and let my darker instincts take over. I felt so…so free and euphoric. Just…letting go and not worrying about keeping my strikes as non-lethal as possible until I had no choice. Then I was standing there, with the solider laying dead at my feet and I felt so….exited and disgusted at the same time. So much blood, Donny. I'd never seen so much."

He glanced around. "It was a few days and several nightmares later when I discovered this place and started this."

He knew that Donny was taking a count of the candles and comparing the number to those times they had been in a fight where Leo had been forced to kill. Donny had to be wondering why there were so many, considering Leo tried his best to avoid killing.

When Don spoke, however, it was not the anticipated question. "Listen, Leo. I think it's time you talked with Splinter."

Leo looked at Don in surprise, and then slight annoyance. "Don't start, Donny. Not tonight."

"Yes tonight," Donny replied, determination in his voice and eyes. "I let it go the other night, just like I've been letting it go for the past, what, four months? I can't let it go anymore, Leo. You're falling apart."

"I am not falling apart," Leo denied. "I don't need to talk to father, you're helping me just fine."

Donny snorted. "Yeah, right. I'm helping you so much that I'm watching you get worse instead of better."

"Donny…" Leo started but Donny interrupted.

"No, Leo! I'm not helping you! Not the way I could be….the way I **should **be, because you won't talk to me."

Leo frowned. "I talk to you."

"Sure, little bits here and there, but not what you **need **to tell me." Donny gestured around the room at the candles. "For instance, will you tell me the story behind all these candles? Why are there so many, Leo? I'm certain you haven't killed **that **many people in battle."

A shadow descended over Leo's eyes, making them unreadable. **There **it was! Not that he was thrilled about it, though.

Instead of answering, he asked quietly, "Do you have any theories on it, Don?"

Donatello nodded, his eyes more serious than they had ever been. "I've got my suspicions and I admit that the thought of it terrifies me, but we're not talking about what I suspect, Leo. Are you going to answer me or not?"

They stared at each other and, for a moment, Leo considered giving in and telling his brother everything. Some part of him echoed Splinter's words, encouraging him to let Donny in and help him with the weight he bore. And yet…he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He couldn't stand the thought that his little brother might look at him like he was a monster.

'_You __**are **__a monster…'_

He closed his eyes and turned away, missing the disappointed, yet unsurprised look that filled Donny's eyes. "I thought so," Don whispered. He sighed, then continued in the same whisper. "I hate to do this to you, Leo, but you leave me no choice. If you won't talk to Splinter, then **I **will."

Leo's eyes flew open and he looked at Donny in what might have been panic. "What? Donny, no! You can't!" he exclaimed, hand shooting out and gripping Donny's arm.

"I'm sorry, Leo," Donny replied, pulling his arm free. "But you can't go on like this and neither can I. I refuse to."

Leo closed his eyes, swallowing hard. "Donny, I can't. Why can't you understand that?" He opened his eyes and, suddenly, there was the old Leonardo, fierce and determined. He snatched Don's arm tightly again and hissed, "And you promised you wouldn't say anything! Are you **really **going to betray my trust, Donatello? Huh?"

Donny winced and had to struggle for a few seconds to get his arm free. "Stop it, Leo!" he snapped. "Yeah, I promised. But the way I figure it, if breaking that promise ends with you back to the way you should be, then I will gladly do it!"

The pair sat, glaring at each other, Leo desperately trying to will Donny to back down. Don, however, had that look in his eyes and Leo knew he would not win this argument. He turned away, staring at the burning candle, his fists clenching tightly on his knees. He felt trapped. His instinct to fight was struggling to free itself, but there was nothing there to actually fight. He would not hurt his brother to get his continued silence.

"**Dammit, **Donatello!" he growled. "Why are you doing this? It would destroy father to know what I've done! To know how much I've dishonored him by going against his teachings!"

'_And to discover what two of my brothers have been doing to me as Fate's punishment,'_ he added silently.

Don sighed heavily. "Leo…listen bro. You **know **Father! He won't care about the past, he'll care about the here and now. About how badly it's affected you." He paused, reaching out and gently turning Leo's head so he was forced to look at him. "The Shredder is gone, Leo," he continued softly. "He's gone and he's not coming back. Let him go. Stop letting him haunt you like this. Let. Him. Go."

Leo turned away again, closing his eyes against the pain. "I can't," he breathed.

If he let the Shredder go, what would there be to remind him of his wickedness? Of his dishonor? If he let Shredder go, then maybe he would also find the strength to stop his brothers. If that happened, what would keep him from forgetting and possibly falling to darkness permanently? No! He mustn't **ever **be allowed to forget!

"I can't," he repeated, shaking his head.

Donny gazed at him sadly for a moment, then said softly, "Then, as I said, Leo, you leave me no choice. If you won't go to Splinter, then I will."

Leo stared at the alter vacantly. He knew Donny would make good on his threat and, really, he couldn't blame him. As much as it hurt, he knew he would do the same if their positions were reversed.

'_You don't need to tell the truth, you know,' _that dark voice whispered, grabbing Leo's attention. _'You could easily tell him something else. Especially if Donatello won't be there to contradict you. You can keep your secret and no one will know.' _

'_But __**I'll **__know,' _Leo argued._ 'I'll dishonor myself even further by lying.' _

The voice laughed softly, coldly. _'You have no honor left and you know it. It's just a faded memory now, washed away in blood and sin no matter how much you pretend. Besides, if you tell the truth, you risk blowing the family apart, just as you do if you reveal what your brothers have been up to. Do you want that?'_

'_No.'_

'_Then you know what you must do. Don't you?'_

"Yes," Leo whispered out loud.

"Leo?"

He started, looking up at Donny, who he had actually forgotten was still there. "What?"

Donny was looking at him strangely as he said, "What did you mean by 'yes?'"

Leo swallowed and looked away again, unable to look his brother in the eye. "You win, Donny," he murmured, finding one more reason to hate himself. "I…I'll talk to father. But, please, Don, give me some time. Please."

Donny reached over and took Leo's hand, squeezing gently. "I'll give you till Friday, Leo," he said softly. "That's three days. After that, I'll go to him myself and tell him everything I know."

Leo nodded, eyes fixed on the candle, which was nearly burned out. He knew Don was worried and only trying to help and yet…

"Don?" he asked quietly. "Could you give me some time alone?"

Don gave him a gentle, if not worried smile and nodded. "Sure. See you at home?"

Leo nodded and Don squeezed his hand once more before getting to his feet and silently leaving the room. Alone, Leo closed his eyes, and began working on his lie.

**Two days later:**

"Dammit, Mikey!" Donatello muttered. "If you've taken off with my screwdriver again, I swear to God I'm going to duct tape you to the rafters!"

The purple-banded turtle, during a scavenging hunt, had found a combination DVD/VCR player that he was hoping to make use of. Only, it seemed that a certain screwdriver he needed had grown legs and walked off. Mikey's legs, he'd bet anything. His youngest brother was always taking off with Donny's tools, though what he did with them, Don was afraid to ask.

Knowing Mikey was off somewhere, Donny left his lab, grumbling under his breath, and headed for the younger turtle's room. His irritation increased as he saw the mess he had to sort through in his quest for his missing tool. Promising painful retribution, Donny began a painstaking search and rescue, discovering tools he hadn't even known were missing yet, along with a few things he thought he'd like to examine under his microscope. A video tape turned up, which he put in the pile of things he was taking with him as he remembered he had no tape to test the machine with.

'_One good turn deserves another,' _he thought as he continued searching.

Then, a few minutes after finding the tape…Eureka! There was his screwdriver, under a pile of old pizza boxes and comics that had not survived Klunk. With his arms full, Don made his way back to his lab, passing Raph and Leo on the way. Raph was watching TV while Leo seemed to be mediating on the armchair.

Don eyed his eldest brother as he passed. It had been two days since he had given Leo the ultimatum, and he knew Leo had not yet talked to Splinter. He had only one day left before Donny would be forced to follow through with his threat.

He sighed as he entered his lab and dumped the contents in his arms on his work bench. He really hoped Leo wouldn't make him do it. It felt too much like betrayal on Donny's part, but he knew that if Leo were to have any chance of getting better, the issues **had **to be confronted. With another sigh, Donny pushed thoughts of his troubled brother from his mind so he could concentrate on his project for a while.

A hour and a half later, he grinned, ready for a test run. Picking up the tape he had found in Mikey's room, he put it in the machine and pressed play. Almost immediately, an image of Leo going through a Kata popped up on his monitor. Don smiled widely at his success, even as he wondered what Mikey was doing with a tape of Leo training. Some kind of prank most likely.

He saw Raphael enter the room and stand off in the shadows, watching Leo. Uninterested, Don moved to turn the tape off and test the DVD side when Leo, sighing and asking "What do you want, Raph?" caught his attention. There was something in Leo's voice…

He looked up, fingering hovering over the button to see what was going on. Raphael's response sent chills down his spine and, as the tape progressed, Don sat there, unable to tear his gaze away or believe what he was seeing. It seemed like an eternity before the tape ended, shutting itself off and rewinding on its own.

He sat, staring at the blank screen, feeling confused and sick by what he had seen. Raph and Leo…or, more precisely, Raph **forcing **Leo… And what was **Mikey **doing with a **tape **of it?

Wait…no, this **couldn't **be what it looked like! Shooting out of his chair, he rushed from his lab and into the living room. Raph had wandered off to the Dojo, but Leo was still sitting there, deep in mediation. Wasting no time, Donny marched over and shook Leo roughly.

Leo let out a startled exclamation and looked up as Donny said, "I need to see you**…now!"**

His tone was demanding and screamed that he would not be denied. Without waiting for Leo to reply, he grabbed his brother's arm tightly and pulled him to his feet, dragging him back to the lab, closing and locking the door behind them.

"Donny!" Leo protested as he finally managed to free himself. "What the hell is wrong with you? What's going on?"

"**This," **Donny answered as he stalked over to the player and jabbed the play button.

Leo watched the image of himself training in confusion. "Don, I don't understand. What…?"

Don held up his hand to silence Leo and pointed at the monitor. Leo watched and, when he realized what he was seeing, froze.

"Leo," Don murmured, an edge of desperation in his voice. "Tell me this isn't what it looks like."

Leo didn't reply. He hadn't even heard Don. He stared at the images a moment, then turned away. He didn't need to see it, he'd been living it for the last millennium. He didn't recognize that particular encounter, just knew that it was the one Mikey had caught on tape when he had been doing his 'research.' Back when he still fought…when he still had some hope, small though it was, of stopping what was going on. That maybe he could be given some **other **form of penance for his crimes…

A wish he had known would not happen that night Mikey had told him that he knew what was going on between him and Raph. When his youngest brother had so adamantly claimed that he would **not **give in to the desire he had felt. Leo had known he would and Mikey had proven him right a short time later.

It was after the third encounter with his baby brother that Leo had stopped fighting. He had finally surrendered to the fact that he deserved everything that was happening and realized that it was only fitting that his brothers punish him however they wanted. Between the two of them, they had shattered what little Will he'd had left to fight, and were preparing him for the eternal punishment he would face upon his death.

"Leo!"

Don's voice penetrated his senses as his brother gripped his arm and spun him around. "Leo, what's going on?"

Leo looked at Don calmly, emotionlessly. He pulled his arm free and turned, ejecting the tape and immediately snapped it in half. He dropped the two pieces into the trash bin, grabbed a book of matches sitting on the bench and lit the contents of the bin on fire while Don watched in bewilderment.

"Keep your mouth shut, Donatello," he ordered softly, a hint of a threat in his voice as he stared at the flames.

"Keep…" Don stared at Leo in disbelief. "I can't believe you just said that! Our own **brother **is…" He trailed off, his eyes widening. "Oh my God," he whispered. "That's what you meant that night. 'If I were good, my own brother wouldn't be…'" he quoted and then finished, "Wouldn't be **raping **you."

His eyes flashed, anger filling them as feelings of intense betrayal rushed through him. He remembered where he got the tape from and the anger and betrayal multiplied. "How is Mikey involved in this?" he demanded in a harsh whisper.

When Leo continued to stare into the flames without answering, Don grabbed his arm painfully tight and whipped him around. "Dammit, Leo! Answer me!" he hissed. "Is Mikey involved in this too?"

The slight flicker of emotion in Leo's eyes, along with the continued silence, was all the answer Don needed. He took a step back, shaking his head and swearing violently. Leo watched him as though he were doing nothing more than watching Don getting ready to go out.

"I mean it, Don," he spoke after a moment, his voice cold and distant. "Not a word, I'm warning you."

Donny stared at him in astonishment, then shook his head and growled, "If you think threatening me is going to make me keep silent about this, then you're more fucked up than I thought!" He turned and stalked toward the door.

It happened in a matter of seconds. Don heard the chilling sound of a sword being unsheathed and began to turn, only to end up being pushed hard into the wall, knocking the breath from him. He was spun around and pushed back against the wall, held immobile by Leo's hand pressing hard on his plastron while the cold steel of his sword pressed against Donny's throat.

Leo's eyes held a frightening expression as he snarled, **"Goddamit,** Donatello! If you think my history with the Shredder won't destroy father, then **this **sure as hell will! I **won't **let you destroy this family, you hear me?"

Donny, despite the sword at his throat, looked at Leo with no hint of the fear he was actually feeling. He got the feeling that showing fear to Leo would be a very big mistake.

"What are you going to do, Leo?" he asked in the softest of whispers, not breaking eye contact with his disturbed brother. "Cut my throat?"

The expression dominating Leo's eyes drained away at Don's words. A multitude of emotions raced over his face before settling on a haunted desperation. He backed away, dropping his sword as he did, eyes never leaving Don's.

"Please, Don," he breathed after a few seconds. "Please don't tell. It'll rip us apart. This family is my life…the only thing I have, the only reason I'm still alive. I won't survive if it's taken from me."

Don stared at Leo, feeling as though his world had shattered into a billon, unrecognizable pieces. "Oh God, Leo…" he whispered. He closed his eyes, swallowing hard. This wasn't happening. It **couldn't **be happening! His brothers couldn't be doing something so…so… Oh God! He had to get out of there! Get some air…

Without any further word, he turned and fled his lab. Someone called out to him as he raced through the Lair, but he ignored him, fleeing out the door and vanishing into the tunnels.


	4. Chapter 4

**Part 4**

He ran. He had no idea where he was going, and he didn't even really notice when he went topside. He just ran, leaping one rooftop after another until, finally, he stopped. Breathing hard, he stared blankly at his surroundings, as though expecting comfort and reassurance to jump out of the shadows. And answers.

Neither came.

With a moan of anguish, he gripped the ledge of the roof, squeezing his eyes shut. Escaping the Lair had done nothing, and the pain of betrayal in his soul was so intense, he was sure he was going to die. He blinked. If **he **was feeling this way, then how was **Leo **feeling?

Oh God, this was all so much worse than he had anticipated. What was he supposed to do? Leo was right, it truly **would **destroy their family if this got out…

"Donny?"

Don spun around, dropping into a fighting stance, and then blinked in surprise. "A…April? Casey? What…?"

He looked around in confusion, then truly saw for the first time where he was. The roof of April's building. But how had they…. Oh right. The security system he had installed to alert her to any surprise guests.

"Yo, Donny."

He looked back to find his two human friends looking at him in concern. "You okay, man?" Casey asked as April moved up next to Don.

"Donny, you're shaking!" she exclaimed as she put a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?" The worry in her eyes deepened. "Did something happen? Are the guys okay?"

Donny looked away, nodding and biting his lip even as his heart cried out its despair.

"Then, what is it, Don?" April asked gently.

Donny squeezed his eyes shut, a choked sob pushing its way past his lips.

"Don?" April's voice held an alarmed note and, suddenly, Donny was in her arms, clinging to her and sobbing. Instinctively, April wrapped her arms around him, holding him close and cooing to him softly, comfortingly.

When his sobs finally died down, April whispered, "Come on downstairs, Don. I'll make us some tea and we can talk."

Don let himself be guided off the roof and down to her apartment. He dropped onto the couch, feeling exhausted both mentally and physically. He closed his eyes, putting a hand over them as he tried to fend off a headache.

When April returned, he accepted the tea, sipping slowly and savouring the warmth that flooded him. "What's going on, Donny?" April asked gently as she sat down next to him, watching him closely.

Casey, who had disappeared when Donny had broken down up on the roof, had now reappeared and was sitting quietly in the armchair. Don stared into his tea, not quite sure how to respond.

"I…I…"

April put a hand on his arm, rubbing soothingly. "It's okay, Don," she murmured kindly. "Take your time."

Don closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "A…about four months ago," he began in a whisper, "Leo told me something in confidence that made me realize that he…that he wasn't all right mentally. He needed help, but he wouldn't go to Splinter. I…I've been trying to help him, but he's just been getting worse. A couple of days ago, we had an argument after he showed me a secret place of his. It's a place he goes to whenever he's been forced to kill someone so he can honour them."

He paused as he once again considered his suspicions regarding all the candles, but then shook himself and continued.

"I told him that if he wouldn't talk to Splinter, that I would. That I'd tell him everything I knew, even if it wasn't much. I gave him three days to talk to father. To get help."

He stopped again and took a deep, shuddering breath. "Tonight, I…I learned something by accident. Something that's just so…." He trailed off, and shook his head. "Leo's more disturbed than I feared. I…."

Don's voice broke, his eyes filling with tears as he gave April a desperate look. "God, April! I don't know what to do!"

"What's happening, Don?" April questioned. "What did you find out, and can't you go to Splinter like you planned?"

Don shook his head before resting it in his hands. "I can't say and I can't tell. It would devastate father. Destroy our family."

"What could possibly be so bad that it would do that?" Casey asked in bewilderment, finally speaking up.

Don didn't answer, his mind racing as he desperately searched for an answer. He couldn't go to Splinter now, not with this new development. It wouldn't give Leo the help he truly needed. So, how could he help him? He doubted their… 'brothers' knew Leo's history. Though, if they did, would they still be committing their atrocious acts? Would they even care?

Don had to be the only one who knew how sick Leo was…the only one who knew his history. But, he didn't know **everything **and it had become crystal clear that he **needed **to know everything if he were to have any chance of helping his brother. But he knew perfectly well that Leo wouldn't tell him everything he needed to know. Not here anyway, surrounded by the family…

He looked up, directing his now determined gaze on Casey. "Casey, do you think I could borrow the farmhouse for a while? I need to get Leo away from here."

Casey nodded. "Yeah, of course, bro. Take as long as you need. When do you want to leave?"

"At first light. I'll need to clear it with father, but I'm sure he won't object."

"We'll get some supplies ready for you then." April said and Don looked at her gratefully.

"Thank you," he murmured. "I don't know what we'd do without you two. You…you're both so good to us."

"Hey," April replied with a gentle smile, taking his hand and squeezing. "We're family, remember? We'd do anything for you guys."

Don let a shaky smile pass his lips as he squeezed her hand back. "I'd better go," he said, standing. "They're probably wondering where I am. I'll call and let you know when it's a definite go."

April nodded and stood as well, embracing him. Don let himself linger in her comforting arms for a moment, then pulled away, waving to Casey before he left via the window and headed for home.

"Hey, bro!" Mikey exclaimed when Don entered the Lair a short time later. "Where ya been? You didn't take your shell cell and we were starting to get worried what with the way you ran out of here."

"Out," Donny replied coldly. He started to pass his 'brother,' stopped and gave him a deadly serious look as he said, "By the way, Michelangelo… If you **ever **take anything of mind without asking again, I'll break your hands. You get me?"

Mikey, hearing the tone in his brother's voice and seeing the deadly serious look in his eyes, took a quick step back, eyes wide. "Uh…sure thing, Donny."

Don continued on his ways, making straight for Splinter's room, ignoring Raphael, who was watching him curiously from the couch. He knocked and entered at the soft command from within.

"Donatello," Splinter greeted, clearly pleased and relieved to see him. "Are you all right, my son? We were starting to worry."

"No, father, I'm not okay," Don replied as he knelt before Splinter and bowed his head.

"What troubles you, my son?" Splinter asked gently.

Don hesitated for only a second before replying. "Leo. Father, I…I know what's going on with him. Or, at least, I know enough to be really disturbed. The thing is, I can't tell you what it is, even though I desperately want to."

"And why can you not tell me what it is, Donatello?" Splinter asked calmly.

"A few reasons," Donny replied. "The most important being that I don't know everything that's happened and he needs to tell you himself. I actually gave him until tomorrow to come and talk to you, but something…new developed."

He paused, taking a calming breath before continuing. "What I'm trying to say, father, is that I think I can help him, but not here. I've talked to Casey and he's agreed to let me use the farmhouse. So, if you'll give your blessing, Master, I'd like to take Leo up there, just the two of us. I think I stand a better chance of reaching him if it's just me and him."

Splinter nodded immediately. "I think that is an excellent idea, Donatello," he approved. "Especially if you believe you can reach your brother."

"We may be gone a good long while, father," Don said hesitantly. "Leo has some pretty deep issues to work through and it could take a while for him to actually open up to me…."

Splinter held up his hand, understanding in his eyes. "It is all right, my son. It is your brother's well being at stake, take as much time as you need. When do you wish to leave?"

"At first light if possible. April and Casey are getting supplies ready for us. They're just waiting for me to call with the green light."

Splinter nodded. "Very well. Go and ready yourself for your departure. And send Leonardo in here. I shall inform him of this trip myself."

Don bowed and left the room, again ignoring Raph and Mikey as he sought Leonardo out. He found the elder turtle in, of course, the Dojo. Though he wasn't really doing anything other than sitting in a meditation pose, staring blankly at the floor. At Don's entrance, however, he raised his gaze, looking at his brother with an unreadable expression.

"Splinter wants to talk to you," Don said quietly, watching Leo's expression close up even further. "Relax," he muttered, feeling like he was talking to a stranger. "I didn't tell him anything."

When Leo didn't say anything, Don turned and left the room, heading to his lab to call April and finalize his plans.

Leo stood outside the door to Splinter's room, feeling like he was headed for the gallows. _'Quit being stupid!' _he berated himself. _'Don said he didn't tell and Don doesn't lie. Father probably just wants to talk or something.' _

He sighed, took a deep breathed and knocked. He entered and knelt down before his master and father, head bowed. "You wished to see me, father?"

"Yes, my son. Donatello tells me he knows what it is that troubles you."

Leo froze, his mind screaming in rage and fear that Don had, in fact, betrayed him. Before he could say anything, though, Splinter continued.

"He would, however, not tell me what it was."

Leo kept his head bowed, his eyes closing in relief. _'Knew I could count on you, Donny,' _he thought, trying to calm his racing heart.

"He believes," Splinter was saying, "that he can help you and has requested permission to take you to the farmhouse. A request that I have wholeheartedly agreed to."

Leo looked up sharply, unable to hide his surprise. "What? Father, don't I get a choice in this?"

Splinter smiled gently, but there was look in his eyes that put Leo on full alert. It was that look his father got when trying to turn the tables on his sons and catch them at something.

"Of course you do, my son. You have two choices. You may either choose to accompany your brother and allow him to help you through this, or you may choose to talk to me right now and allow your family to support you."

Leo held Splinter's gaze for only a few seconds before lowering his eyes. _Dammit! _He was trapped and they both knew it. _'Damn you, Donny…' _

When, after several minutes of silence, it became obvious that Leo was not going to speak, Splinter sighed and said, "You leave a first light, Leonardo. Go and prepare what you will need."

Leo briefly considered protesting, but knew it would do no good. He bowed low, then silently left the room. Instead of going to pack, however, he headed directly out of the Lair, breaking into a run once he was in the tunnel system.

He headed topside the very instant he was able to, and allowed himself to become lost in a good, hard run. He didn't know how long he ran, and it was only when he finally slowed that thoughts returned to him.

'_Damn you, Donatello! Why can't you just leave it alone?' _

Why couldn't his brother understand that everything was happening as it should? Why couldn't Don understand that Leo had to pay?

'_I have to pay, Donny. This little trip of yours isn't going to change that. I __**have **__to pay for my weakness. For being so easily seduced.' _

He closed his eyes as the ghostly echoes of a voice, begging for mercy, floated through his mind. _'For being a cold blooded monster.' _

He opened his eyes and, suddenly realizing where he was, stepped back further into the shadows, silently berating himself. He was directly across from Foot Headquarters! Dammit! Why did he have to end up **here **of all places? Especially in his current mood.

'_Why always here?'_

He briefly entertained the idea of going to pick a fight, but common sense quickly overrode that thought.

'_One turtle against a few hundred Foot Soldiers, not to mention the Techs, the Elite and whatever else they've been working on. Yeah, that'll go over well,' _he thought sardonically.

Sighing and resigning himself to the fact that this little impromptu trip was going to happen whether he liked it or not, Leo turned to leave. But, the sight of Karai, standing on her balcony and gazing out over the city, caught his attention and delayed his departure. The temptation to pick a fight swept through him again and a little smile crept past his lips as he remembered the last time they had met.

It had been so easy to slip in and wipe the floor with her. Of course, the result of that little encounter was that she was more determined than ever to kill them all, even though she had yet to strike at them. The smile grew a little as he thought that, perhaps, she was in no hurry to meet his Katana again.

Perhaps the daughter was not as vicious as the father after all. Especially now that the father was no longer around. Perhaps he **should **just eliminate her now. Remove her as the threat he knew she was and prove that she was not worthy of being the right hand of the Shredder. Nor of **being **the Shredder….

His eyes widened and he drew in a sharp breath. Oh God, what was he **thinking? **Maybe getting out of the city for a while really was a good idea. Taking a deep, shaky breath, he gave Karai one last look, then turned and vanished into the night.


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

The sun was just beginning to light the horizon with pinks and purples as Don and Leo stood in the garage, bidding goodbye to the others. Or rather, Don was bidding goodbye to Splinter, April and Casey and barely looking at Raph and Mikey, much to the confusion of all but Leo, who only spoke when he was spoken to. April and Casey had gotten them enough supplies for a good month, at which time arrangements would be made for more if needed.

Once the goodbyes were said, and after Splinter had made Don promise to call with regular updates, the pair were in the Battleshell and on the road. Leo stayed silent and Don left him alone, knowing that a lot of talking would be done in the coming days. He just hoped Leo wasn't thinking up ways to avoid talking. That would be just like him. In fact, Don wouldn't be surprised if Leo tried to disappear from sun up until long after sun down in efforts to avoid him.

'_Not gonna happen, Leo,' _he thought with a glance at his brother. _'You've been avoiding everything long enough. It's time to bring it all out into the open. And then, when we get home, I'm going to __**kill **__Raph and Mikey.' _

He was still having a difficult time wrapping his head around the fact that two of his brother were intentionally hurting the third. It was one thing to want to cause physical or emotional pain in a fight between siblings, but what they were doing was down right despicable and unforgivable!

He'd had awful nightmares about it all night and, more than once, had to force himself not to run out of his room and drag them from their beds to beat them within an inch of their lives. He didn't know what he was going to do about them yet, but he was sure he'd have lots of time to think about it. Making progress with Leonardo was going to take a while, he was sure.

Looking over at his brother again, he found him sleeping, or at least appearing to, his head resting against the window. Sighing quietly, Don left him alone and turned his attention back to the road.

Leo was dreaming. Raph and Mikey were both holding him down, taking turns having their way with him. They laughed at him, ignoring his pleas to stop and rewarded his resistance with harsh blows.

"Doesn't matter what you want, remember?" Raph taunted. "It's all about what **we **want. All about looking after our needs, ain't that right, Mikey?"

Mikey nodded, grinning sadistically. "Oh, yeah! You said it! Plus, you deserve this, bro. I mean really, how could you betray father like that? Taking up with old Shred head? Blah!"

Then, suddenly, Don was there, pure rage in his eyes. His Bo came flying down and then the scene changed, with Don pressing Leo up against a wall, his eyes dark and filled with lust.

"D…Donny, what….?" Leo stuttered in confusion as he glanced around.

Don chuckled darkly as he nuzzled Leo's neck. "Come on, Leo," he purred. "Why do you think I chased those two off? I didn't want to share, of course."

Leo closed his eyes, a tremor racing through his body as Donny began licking and biting at the hallow of his neck; at that secret place that always forced his body to betray him.

"All mine," Don growled, hands wandering down and exploring between Leo's legs. "If you think those two were punishing you for what you've done," he breathed in Leo's ear, "Just wait till **I'm **through with you…."

Leo woke with a start, disoriented. It took him a few seconds to realize where he was; in the Battleshell with Don, on their way to the farmhouse for Don's idea of an intervention.

"Leo?"

He looked over to find his brother giving him a concerned look. "You okay?"

'_No,' _Leo thought as he gazed at the younger turtle, the dream running through his mind as suddenly wondered why Donny **wasn't **involved in the game their brothers enjoyed so much. _'What are you waiting for, Don?' _he thought. _'You know more than Raph and Mike ever will. You have for four months and yet, you haven't joined them. When will you finally indulge yourself as they have?' _He blinked as something occurred to him. _'Or are you already? Is this your way of punishing me? By taking what's left of my sanity?'_

A small laugh escaped Leo and Don frowned, his concern deepening. "Leo?"

Leo grinned and he knew from the alarmed expression in Don's eyes that it was maniacal…frightening. "I'm on to you, Don," he whispered, still grinning. "You're good. **Very **good. Better than the others."

"Leo…" Donny quickly pulled over before turning to face Leo, his confused, worried eyes searching his brother's as he tried to assess his mental condition. "Leo, what are you talking about?"

Leo smiled, reaching out and gently touched Don's cheek. "It's okay, Donny. I won't tell." He turned away, repeating in a soft whisper, "I won't tell."

Don reached over, touching Leo's arm. "Leo, you're scaring me. Talk to me, bro, please."

Leo looked back, studying his brother. The honest, sincere fear he saw in Donatello's eyes was enough to lift the shadow that had descended on his mind. He covered Don's hand with his own, squeezing gently as he smiled reassuringly. "I'm sorry, Donny," he whispered. "I didn't mean to frighten you. I'm okay."

They stared at each other for a moment before Don shook his head and pulled away. "No, Leo, you aren't he said as he guided the Battleshell back onto the road. "But I'm going to fix that. I swear it."

They arrived at the farmhouse late that morning and, as Don had predicted, the minute the supplies had been put away, Leo vanished. Unconcerned, Don dug out his tracker and picked Leo's signal up deep in the forest. Deciding to give his brother some space, Donny set about airing the house out and making up their rooms. He made lunch, still unconcerned when Leo didn't turn up. However, when evening rolled around and Leo still had not come out of hiding, the purple banded turtle decided it was time to go out and coax him back.

Grabbing the tracker, he headed out into the forest, following Leo's stationary signal. He walked for about fifteen minutes before stopping beneath a tall tree and, leaning casually against it, gazed at the peaceful scenery around him. After a moment, he said, "Think it's time to come in now, Leo. You barely ate anything at breakfast and you didn't turn up at lunch. You must be hungry."

Silence. Don waited patiently and, after nearly five minutes, Leo said softly from next to him, "You really need to stop relying on tech so much. A good ninja should rely on his senses and on what the environment tells him first, before resorting to other means."

A smile played across Donny's lips as he looked at Leo and said, "**There's **the training obsessed brother I love and hide from." As they began walking, he added, "Guess this means a few games of ninja hide and see are an order?"

Leo smirked, and Don enjoyed the feeling of normalcy that passed between them as Leo replied, "You'd better believe it."

They continued on in comfortable silence, broken occasionally by a good natured rib and even light roughhousing. By the time they got around to dinner, the mood was light and Donny was content to keep it that way. It wasn't often he saw his brother this calm and relaxed anymore, and he was loath to break the spell. After dinner, they played a few games of chess, then spent some time in meditation before going to bed, ending the day calmly and without incident.

The calm actually lasted a few days. The country air and peaceful surroundings seemed to do Leo a lot of good, keeping his mood light and leaving Donny with no desire to break it. It allowed him to try to deal with his own thoughts and feelings on the reason they were out there. To try and get control of the terrible nightmares that plagued him since learning of the dark secrets his brother carried. On the morning of their fourth day there, however, Don knew he had to get things rolling. Despite being tired from the little sleep he had been getting, he knew it couldn't be put off any longer. Stealing himself for a possible argument, he made his way outside and over to where Leo was sitting in meditation.

Sitting down across from him, Don spent a few minutes watching his brother before saying quietly, "Leo, it's time to talk."

It was a moment before Leo answered softly, "I'm meditating, Donny."

"You can mediate later," Don returned, speaking firmly. "Right now, it's time we talked about what's been going on."

Silence. Just as Don was deciding that Leo was ignoring him, the elder said, "Close your eyes and count to ten."

Don frowned in confusion. "What for?"

Leo opened his eyes, his expression unreadable as he said, "Close your eyes and count to ten. I'll hide in the forest. If you can find me within an hour, then I'll tell you something."

Don stared at him incredulously. "What? No, Leo, absolutely not! I am **not **playing games with you to get information that, as your brother, I have a **right **to know!"

Leo shrugged and closed his eyes again. When Don realized that Leo had gone back to mediating, he growled softly in irritation. "Leo! Why are you being so exasperating? It's just the two of us out here, bro! No one to overhear…no one to freak out. Just you and me."

Leo opened his eyes, annoyance flashing through them. "Come off it, Donny!" he snapped. "Did you really thing that dragging me out here would change anything? That I would just up and spill my heart out to you?"

"As the only brother who hasn't been forcefully **fucking **you, yeah, I kinda hoped you'd share a few things!" Donny snapped back, the night's dreams still fresh in his mind.

Leo stood, smoothly and gracefully, glaring down at Donny as he, too, got to his feet. "Why can't you ever just stay out of business that isn't your own?" the elder hissed.

Don gapped at him, stunned and hurt by his brother's words. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice whispered that Leo was just trying to get him mad so that he'd stalk off and leave Leo alone. Despite the fact that getting him angry was working, Don refused to back off.

"Are you serious?" he finally spoke, letting the hurt slip into his voice. "Two of my brothers have been **abusing **the third, and you're saying it's 'none of my business?' Like **hell **it isn't!"

They stood, glaring at each other for a few seconds before Don said, "All right, look. If you're not ready to talk about that totally messed up disaster, fine. Let's talk about Shredder and what happened there."

Leo shook his head. "No, Don, forget it! I refuse to talk about anything anymore. You wasted your time bringing me out here." Turning, he began walking toward the forest.

Don's eyes narrowed and he stalked after his stubborn jackass of a brother. "Don't walk away from me, Leo! We aren't through here!"

He reached out and grabbed Leo's shoulder, fully expecting the defensive move when it came. He headed it off by grabbing Leo's hand as soon as it grabbed his and pulling back a bit before knocking Leo's legs out from under him. Because of the position he was in, Don went down, too, and the pair wrestled for a few minutes before the younger turtle got the upper hand and pinned Leo down.

"Enough, Leo!" he snapped. "It's just me! You can talk to me….what are you afraid of?"

Leo seemed to deflate at the question, going limp beneath Don. He gazed up at him, several different emotions chasing themselves through his eyes. "Because, Don," he finally murmured softly. "You are the only brother who's opinion I value and respect the most. I couldn't stand it if you thought of me as a monster."

Don blinked in surprise at the confession, and moved off Leo, sitting next to him and studying him carefully. Leo continued to lie where he was, staring up at the clear blue sky, the self hatred and fear clear in his features.

"Leo," Don finally said after a few minutes. "Leo….look at me." He waited until Leo's eyes flickered to him, then said, "Leo, you're my brother and I love you. I could **never **think of you as a monster. Know why? Because I know your heart and, despite what you believe, you're a **good **person who would do anything for those you love. A monster….a **true **monster wouldn't."

Leo stared at Don for a long moment before turning his gaze back to the sky. "You look tired," he murmured. "Did you sleep last night?"

Don couldn't help the quick little smile that passed his lips, though there was little humor in it. It figured that Leo would worry about him…. "Sleep and I haven't been on the best of terms lately," he admitted, which caused Leo to frown.

"I'm sorry," the blue banded turtle murmured. "That would be my fault, I imagine. You never should have been dragged into this."

The anger, which had died down to a light simmer, flared to a new boil at those words, and Don lashed out, striking Leo in his plastron and causing a surprised "Oof!" to slip from his target. He glared down at the other, showing his brother an anger he rarely displayed.

"**Dammit, **Leonardo!" he shouted. "You are such an **idiot!"** He jumped to his feet, pacing like a caged animal. "Only **you **would take an absolutely **appalling **injustice committed against you and make it your fault!"

He stopped pacing to direct another venomous glare at Leo. "You are a **victim **here, Leo! When are you going to get it through your thick skull that you aren't a fault for everything under the damn sun, and accept some Goddamn **help?" **

Leo stared up at Don, struck dumb by his brother's actions and words. For a long moment, the pair stared at each other for a full two minutes before, much to Don's surprise, Leo suddenly turned and took off a dead run into the forest. Donny stood there, blinking stupidly as he watched Leo disappear into the trees, before shaking himself and taking off after his brother, shouting him for him stop.

He spent the next hour searching the woods for his disturbed sibling, but came up empty. Leo did not want to be found, and had even removed the tracers Don had placed on him, much to the brilliant turtle's immense frustration. Eventually, Don was forced to give up and return to the house where he could nothing but wait. Leo would turn up eventually, Don just had to be…patient.

God help him. 

TBC


End file.
